[2026/01/11 14:07] Sonja Bikergrrl: so, the explosive finale to Merry Critmas
[2026/01/11 14:10] Sonja Bikergrrl: as I recall it, you all got Potions of Cocae Colaris
[2026/01/11 14:10] Sapphire: 2 of us did
[2026/01/11 14:10] Sonja Bikergrrl: and Joe has a sugar-coated plum and a promise of a date later
[2026/01/11 14:10] Sonja Bikergrrl: & u
[2026/01/11 14:11] Mecha: yep
[2026/01/11 14:14] Joe: and squirrels
[2026/01/11 14:14] Sonja Bikergrrl: yes! Who has squirrels
[2026/01/11 14:14] Sonja Bikergrrl: Sapphire and Mecha
[2026/01/11 14:15] Mecha: /me salutes
[2026/01/11 14:17] Sapphire: squirrels.....
[2026/01/11 14:25] Sonja Bikergrrl: okay, fuck waiting
[2026/01/11 14:26] Sonja Bikergrrl: character sheets up, notecards out
[2026/01/11 14:26] Sonja Bikergrrl: So... where did we get to
[2026/01/11 14:27] Sonja Bikergrrl: you tracked down the dwarves' iron still cylinder to the kobold cave, and got past a bunch of kobold kiddies flinging snowballs at you
[2026/01/11 14:27] Sonja Bikergrrl: you faced down: a gingerbread golem
[2026/01/11 14:28] Sonja Bikergrrl: and Joe romanced a sugar plum fairie
[2026/01/11 14:28] Sonja Bikergrrl: but, as I said at the end....
[2026/01/11 14:28] Sonja Bikergrrl: combat is NOT over. You forgot something, didn't you?
[2026/01/11 14:29] Sapphire: the horde of bolds?
[2026/01/11 14:29] Sonja Bikergrrl: And with that recap out of the way GGGGRRREEEEEEETTTTTIIINNGGSSSSS Adventurers! Other players get fun-filled campaigns, you get a bang out of mine.
[2026/01/11 14:30] Sonja Bikergrrl: Paws up who remembers the kobolds stuffing gravel into the big iron cylinder
[2026/01/11 14:30] Sonja Bikergrrl: which.... was pointing.... STILL is pointing... right atchu
[2026/01/11 14:30] Sapphire: i remember tossing a snowball in
[2026/01/11 14:30] Sapphire: does it need more water?
[2026/01/11 14:30] Joe: i remember its strapped to a drunk dragon
[2026/01/11 14:30] Sonja Bikergrrl: The kobolds had stuffed as much gunpowder in as they could
[2026/01/11 14:30] Joe: aw bless 'em
[2026/01/11 14:30] Sonja Bikergrrl: well, a drunk dinosaur
[2026/01/11 14:31] Joe: theres a difference?
[2026/01/11 14:31] Mecha: yes the still
[2026/01/11 14:31] Sonja Bikergrrl: one kobold was jumping up and down on the barrel, while another cursed and swore
[2026/01/11 14:31] Sonja Bikergrrl: and now
[2026/01/11 14:32] Sonja Bikergrrl: Joe, Sapphire, Mecha - what do you plan doing now the sugarplum fairie has slunk away, blushing
[2026/01/11 14:32] Sonja Bikergrrl: You see the kobold jumping up and down on the barrel suddenly look shocked, and he runs straight towards you in panic!
[2026/01/11 14:32] Sapphire: "Point that barrel up!"
[2026/01/11 14:34] Mecha: I try to catch the kobold."Oh No, where do you think you're going?"
[2026/01/11 14:34] Sonja Bikergrrl: Joe?
[2026/01/11 14:35] Joe: Is there any chocolate left in my mug of unspillable chocolate ?
[2026/01/11 14:35] Sonja Bikergrrl: Mecha: d20 to catch the kobold, roll under DEX
[2026/01/11 14:35] Sonja Bikergrrl: unfortunately no
[2026/01/11 14:35] Joe: do i have a cola cocoa ?
[2026/01/11 14:35] Sonja Bikergrrl: you got a potion of cocae colaris
[2026/01/11 14:36] Joe: i want to pour it all over the wick of the kobolds canon
[2026/01/11 14:36] Sonja Bikergrrl: Mecha: DEX check
[2026/01/11 14:36] D20: Mecha rolls 3
[2026/01/11 14:36] Mecha: Definitely rolled under that.
[2026/01/11 14:36] Sonja Bikergrrl: Mecha catches the kobold. "It go boom! really reall boom!"
[2026/01/11 14:36] Sonja Bikergrrl: Joe takes two steps to the iron cylinder
[2026/01/11 14:36] Sonja Bikergrrl: No one pays attention to Sapphires' order
[2026/01/11 14:37] Sonja Bikergrrl: CRACKER-BOOM!!!! The iron tube swells like a balloon and just BURSTS, spraying fire, shrapnel and, for some reason tinsel streamers far and wide. Some fills the cave and there's a merry zip and zing of redhot shards of shrapnel whizzing about, but, it's Yuletide and everyone makes their saving throws.
[2026/01/11 14:37] Sonja Bikergrrl: The echoes of the explosion sound for a full minute, and, when the smoke finally clears, there's dazed kobolds staggering about in all directions. One of the kobold gunners slaps one of the party on the back, and shouts loudly: "THAT WAS FANTASTIC BOOM! KING BE PLEASED!" He points at the king, who is standing, swaying slightly, his eyes going round and round in different directions. It may be some time before he recovers his senses. "BEST YULETIDE BOOM EVER!" shouts the kobold gunner, and a ragged cheer goes up.
[2026/01/11 14:38] Sapphire: Bluebell cheers as well, in a mix of confusion and peer pressure
[2026/01/11 14:38] Sonja Bikergrrl: It's a thing.
[2026/01/11 14:38] Sonja Bikergrrl: Some kobolds, however, are not happy.
[2026/01/11 14:38] Mecha: I drop the kobold in my arms."Well, shit."
[2026/01/11 14:39] Sonja Bikergrrl: The kobold bard, for example, in an alcove strumming a lyre and trying to pen a new ballad is not happy. He leans out of his cave shaking his fist at the players. "Do you mind? I'm trying to complete this song. It's not easy! Listen to this!"
"Fruuuuit caaaake,
Nobody liiiikes youuu,
Please don’t paaaanic,
We still respeeeect...”
"How am I supposed to finish this with all this commotion? Eh? How?"
[2026/01/11 14:40] Sapphire: "But fruit cake is great!" she protests. "How have you been making yours? Have you been letting it get too dry?"
[2026/01/11 14:41] Mecha: Dahla looks to the bard."Speak for yourself, I like fruitcake... But what are we gonna do now. I think we were supposed to keep it from blowing up."
[2026/01/11 14:41] Sonja Bikergrrl: Good question, but, he's a bard, not a cook
[2026/01/11 14:41] Sonja Bikergrrl: Oh, cooks...
[2026/01/11 14:41] Joe: the discussion of recipes reminds me of the sugar plum fairy. Which direction is the kitchen ?
[2026/01/11 14:41] Sonja Bikergrrl: A pair of kobold cooks fleeing from their kitchen are likewise less than happy. "Run away! Run away! We got the recipie wrong!"
[2026/01/11 14:41] Joe: I want to grab them both
[2026/01/11 14:42] Sonja Bikergrrl: The talkative kobold gunner grabs a fleeing cook. "What recipie? What you make?"
[2026/01/11 14:42] Sonja Bikergrrl: Kobold cook: "Fruit cake! Everyone run away!"
[2026/01/11 14:42] Sonja Bikergrrl: The kobold cooks flee, as THE FRUITCAKE HORROR oozes out of the kitchen...
[2026/01/11 14:42] Sonja Bikergrrl: You're in trouble now ;-)
[2026/01/11 14:42] Sonja Bikergrrl: Roll initiative!
[2026/01/11 14:43] D20: Joe rolls 6
[2026/01/11 14:43] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 12
[2026/01/11 14:43] D20: Mecha rolls 7
[2026/01/11 14:43] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 4
[2026/01/11 14:43] Sonja Bikergrrl: Sapphire
[2026/01/11 14:45] D20: Sapphire rolls 17
[2026/01/11 14:46] Sonja Bikergrrl: You watch as a great big enormous pulsating dark -blob- oozes out of a cave and oozes it's way towards you. This thing looks tough! What are you going to do?
[2026/01/11 14:46] Sonja Bikergrrl: Joe first!
[2026/01/11 14:47] Sapphire: a pulsating, dark -edible- blob i think you mean
[2026/01/11 14:47] Sonja Bikergrrl: /me isn't sure you want to test that theory
[2026/01/11 14:47] Joe: I want to leap over it and find the sugarplum fairy or even the cook who knows ow to make sugarplum fairies
[2026/01/11 14:47] Sonja Bikergrrl: That's going to be quite a jump
[2026/01/11 14:48] Joe: im mighty confident in my leaping abilities at this moment
[2026/01/11 14:48] Sonja Bikergrrl: it's basically 8' in diameter
[2026/01/11 14:48] Sonja Bikergrrl: okay... STR check
[2026/01/11 14:48] Joe: is that american feet or british feet ?
[2026/01/11 14:48] Sonja Bikergrrl: hill giant feet
[2026/01/11 14:48] D20: Joe rolls 2
[2026/01/11 14:48] Sonja Bikergrrl: Success! You successfully launch yourself ....
[2026/01/11 14:48] Joe: aw thats disappointing
[2026/01/11 14:49] Sonja Bikergrrl: roll d6
[2026/01/11 14:49] Jassie: is online.
[2026/01/11 14:49] D6: Joe rolls 4
[2026/01/11 14:50] Sonja Bikergrrl: A twenty foot long jump! You sail over the pulsating blob and roll into the kitchen. Everyone else hears the clanging, clattering and curses as Joe faceplants into a stove.
[2026/01/11 14:50] Sonja Bikergrrl: Unfortunately the kitchen is empty, the kobolds all fled
[2026/01/11 14:50] Jassie: heywo sorry
[2026/01/11 14:51] Sonja Bikergrrl: Mecha is next: You face death itself in the form of one Fruit Cake Horror. What do you do?
[2026/01/11 14:52] Joe: hey Jassie
[2026/01/11 14:52] Jassie: (heya)
[2026/01/11 14:52] Mecha: can I find an actual sword?
[2026/01/11 14:53] Sonja Bikergrrl: roll d20, wisdom check
[2026/01/11 14:53] D20: Mecha rolls 4
[2026/01/11 14:53] Sonja Bikergrrl: you find a crude stone kobold dagger
[2026/01/11 14:53] Mecha: gonna use that to try and cut a slice from the fruitcake
[2026/01/11 14:54] Sonja Bikergrrl: roll d20
[2026/01/11 14:54] D20: Mecha rolls 19
[2026/01/11 14:54] Sonja Bikergrrl: ok, that hits *GIGGLES*
[2026/01/11 14:54] Sonja Bikergrrl: 1d4 for the dagger
[2026/01/11 14:54] D4: Mecha rolls 3
[2026/01/11 14:55] Sonja Bikergrrl: 3 damage, barely scratched
[2026/01/11 14:56] Sonja Bikergrrl: Kobolds go next! 4 are staying to fight
[2026/01/11 14:56] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 4
[2026/01/11 14:56] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 20
[2026/01/11 14:56] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 11
[2026/01/11 14:56] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 13
[2026/01/11 14:56] D4: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 3
[2026/01/11 14:56] Sonja Bikergrrl: one does 6 damage!
[2026/01/11 14:57] Mecha: to who?
[2026/01/11 14:57] Sonja Bikergrrl: Jassie: the party is facing death from a pulsating giant blob of fruitcake. What do you do?
[2026/01/11 14:57] Sonja Bikergrrl: To the fruitcake, of course
[2026/01/11 14:57] Jassie: eat it?
[2026/01/11 14:58] Jassie: or has anyone already tried that?
[2026/01/11 14:58] Sonja Bikergrrl: you're going to eat an evil eight foot diameter sentient fruit cake horror?
[2026/01/11 14:58] Mecha: No one has tried it yet
[2026/01/11 14:58] Sonja Bikergrrl: Not yet
[2026/01/11 14:58] Jassie: yea, sure, i'd be really full after
[2026/01/11 14:59] Jassie: try and take a bite?
[2026/01/11 14:59] Jassie: whats it taste like first
[2026/01/11 14:59] Sonja Bikergrrl: are you... -sure-....?
[2026/01/11 15:00] Jassie: i mean if i dont like the taste, i can spit it out
[2026/01/11 15:00] Sonja Bikergrrl: ...
[2026/01/11 15:00] Sonja Bikergrrl: roll d20, dex check I think
[2026/01/11 15:00] D20: Jassie rolls 2
[2026/01/11 15:01] Sonja Bikergrrl: /me facepalms
[2026/01/11 15:01] Sonja Bikergrrl: You push your face into the mass of fruit cake
[2026/01/11 15:01] Jassie: lol, whats new for me in rolls
[2026/01/11 15:01] Sonja Bikergrrl: It tastes of fruit and molasses
[2026/01/11 15:01] Sonja Bikergrrl: Save vs death
[2026/01/11 15:01] Sonja Bikergrrl: roll d20 :-)
[2026/01/11 15:02] D20: Jassie rolls 18
[2026/01/11 15:02] Sapphire: it's a sticky fruit cake!
[2026/01/11 15:02] Jassie: eat through it
[2026/01/11 15:02] Sonja Bikergrrl: Success
[2026/01/11 15:02] Jassie: takes a bite either way
[2026/01/11 15:02] Joe: admirable constitution
[2026/01/11 15:02] Sonja Bikergrrl: The Fruitcake Horror tries to pull you in, but, you pull your head back out of the sticky mass
[2026/01/11 15:02] Joe: whispers: oh we really should have filmed this
[2026/01/11 15:03] Sonja Bikergrrl: Still, 1 point damage inflicted.
[2026/01/11 15:03] Jassie: swallow the bite
[2026/01/11 15:03] Sonja Bikergrrl: Sapphire! What do you do?
[2026/01/11 15:03] Jassie: mmmm tastes pretty good actually
[2026/01/11 15:03] Sapphire: Does the fruitcake look like it's capable of laughing?
[2026/01/11 15:04] Sonja Bikergrrl: How would you even tell?
[2026/01/11 15:04] Sapphire: is it making sounds?
[2026/01/11 15:04] Sonja Bikergrrl: does the SCHOLP SCHLOP of it trying to engulf Jassie count?
[2026/01/11 15:05] Mecha: for some reason that sounds dirtier than it should
[2026/01/11 15:05] Sonja Bikergrrl: ^_^
[2026/01/11 15:05] Sapphire: getting people all messy
[2026/01/11 15:05] Sonja Bikergrrl: sticky and... uhm.
[2026/01/11 15:05] Sapphire: oh, my mirror images are all still up, yes?
[2026/01/11 15:06] Sonja Bikergrrl: ....THAT'S what that scribble means....
[2026/01/11 15:06] Sonja Bikergrrl: Yes
[2026/01/11 15:06] Sapphire: Alright, casting Armor as well, since that seems useful to have up righ tnow
[2026/01/11 15:07] Sonja Bikergrrl: Now AC 6 until you take 13 damage.
[2026/01/11 15:07] Sonja Bikergrrl: End of combat round... Fruitcake Horror regenerates 1hp
[2026/01/11 15:07] Sonja Bikergrrl: Joe!
[2026/01/11 15:08] Jassie: aww it healed the bite?
[2026/01/11 15:08] Joe: looking around the kitchen what do i see ?
[2026/01/11 15:08] Sonja Bikergrrl: pots, pans, a sack of flower, a rack of rats on sticks
[2026/01/11 15:09] Joe: no kobolds? no burning coals?
[2026/01/11 15:09] Joe: no sugar plum fairy ?
[2026/01/11 15:09] Sonja Bikergrrl: sadly no
[2026/01/11 15:09] Joe: hm i guess i should put the rats on sticks in my backpack while i have a chance to
[2026/01/11 15:09] Joe: any knves or stabby things?
[2026/01/11 15:10] Joe: sharpy pokey things?
[2026/01/11 15:10] Sonja Bikergrrl: you can find a stone dagger, if that's any help
[2026/01/11 15:10] Joe: that helps! i'll take it and return to the fruit cake monster
[2026/01/11 15:10] Sonja Bikergrrl: and then...?
[2026/01/11 15:11] Joe: slice bits off it and throw them at the walls
[2026/01/11 15:11] Sonja Bikergrrl: oh-kay... d20
[2026/01/11 15:11] D20: Joe rolls 2
[2026/01/11 15:11] Sonja Bikergrrl: You narrowly avoid tripping and impaling yourself on the dagger.
[2026/01/11 15:12] Sonja Bikergrrl: Mecha!
[2026/01/11 15:12] Mecha: Are there any liquids around us r do I have a water skin?
[2026/01/11 15:13] Sonja Bikergrrl: you probably have a water skin, and a potion of cocae colaris, but I'm not sure that counts as "water"
[2026/01/11 15:14] Mecha: I'm gonna spray the cake with water, maybe make it soggy so it breaks apart like wet bread.
[2026/01/11 15:15] Sonja Bikergrrl: ....
[2026/01/11 15:15] Sonja Bikergrrl: dex check I guess.... D20
[2026/01/11 15:15] D20: Mecha rolls 17
[2026/01/11 15:15] Sonja Bikergrrl: You successfully drench yourself with water.
[2026/01/11 15:16] Sonja Bikergrrl: If you TPK to a flippin' -cake-, I will -never- let you live it down :P
[2026/01/11 15:17] Sonja Bikergrrl: Kobolds next! One blows a party streamer. A paper tube snaps out, with a loud :"KAZOO"
[2026/01/11 15:17] Sonja Bikergrrl: the other three cheer and attack
[2026/01/11 15:17] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 7
[2026/01/11 15:17] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 11
[2026/01/11 15:17] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 7
[2026/01/11 15:17] Mecha: this is the last time I buy a water skin from Temu
[2026/01/11 15:18] Sonja Bikergrrl: oh well, the little guys tried
[2026/01/11 15:18] Jassie: lol buy it from taobao
[2026/01/11 15:18] Sonja Bikergrrl: The kobolds' chief engineer appears at a side cave. He wields a crude wrench and wears a festive scarf. "Time for the soldiers!"
[2026/01/11 15:20] Sonja Bikergrrl: There's some clanking and banging. These clockwork soldiers resemble brightly painted toy infantry, nearly man-sized, made of stamped tin plates riveted over a simple internal mechanism. Each wears a tall shako-style helm, a fixed painted grin, and a crudely painted red-and-green uniform. It marches forward in perfect step, boots clanging on stone. Its arms swing rigidly back and forth, blades fixed where hands should be, cutting anything unfortunate enough to stand directly in their path.
[2026/01/11 15:20] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 13
[2026/01/11 15:20] Sonja Bikergrrl: It marches right past the fruitcake horror, and walks into a wall.
[2026/01/11 15:20] Sonja Bikergrrl: /me tried.
[2026/01/11 15:20] Sonja Bikergrrl: Jassie!
[2026/01/11 15:21] Jassie: shrugs at the whole thing before thinking to herself and i guess magic missile the blob?
[2026/01/11 15:22] Sonja Bikergrrl: D4
[2026/01/11 15:22] D4: Jassie rolls 3
[2026/01/11 15:22] Jassie: 3 times right
[2026/01/11 15:22] Sonja Bikergrrl: we'll take that roll
[2026/01/11 15:22] Jassie: ah ok
[2026/01/11 15:22] Sonja Bikergrrl: 12 points damage inflicted
[2026/01/11 15:23] Sonja Bikergrrl: It pulsates and goes BLOOP
[2026/01/11 15:23] Jassie: does anything happen to it?
[2026/01/11 15:23] Sonja Bikergrrl: Sapphire!
[2026/01/11 15:23] Sonja Bikergrrl: Beyond pulsating and going BLOOP?
[2026/01/11 15:23] Jassie: yes
[2026/01/11 15:23] Sonja Bikergrrl: Not as far as you can tell
[2026/01/11 15:23] Jassie: damn
[2026/01/11 15:24] Mecha: Soak it down or set it on fire until it is crunchy!
[2026/01/11 15:24] Sapphire: Blue investigates the soldiers, grabbing their clockwork winders and re-aiming them at the fruitcake horror!
[2026/01/11 15:24] Sonja Bikergrrl: /me tried to leave a bunch of Lore about this.
[2026/01/11 15:24] Sonja Bikergrrl: D20, Sapphire
[2026/01/11 15:25] D20: Sapphire rolls 2
[2026/01/11 15:25] Sonja Bikergrrl: You narrowly avoid being trampled under the tin soldier as it marches out of the cave
[2026/01/11 15:25] Sonja Bikergrrl: Fruitcake horror attacks.... Joe! Pseudopod slam!
[2026/01/11 15:25] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 18
[2026/01/11 15:26] D10: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 4
[2026/01/11 15:26] Sonja Bikergrrl: 4 points damage inflicted
[2026/01/11 15:26] Sonja Bikergrrl: Fruitcake Horror regenerates 1hp
[2026/01/11 15:26] Sonja Bikergrrl: End of combat round... Joe!
[2026/01/11 15:26] Joe: whut it hit me for 4 ?
[2026/01/11 15:27] Sonja Bikergrrl: yep
[2026/01/11 15:27] Sonja Bikergrrl: you got off lightly
[2026/01/11 15:27] Joe: right thats it. I trample on it roughly with my heavy feet.
[2026/01/11 15:28] Sonja Bikergrrl: ...
[2026/01/11 15:28] Sonja Bikergrrl: okay, DEX check
[2026/01/11 15:28] Joe: maybe some stomping also.
[2026/01/11 15:28] D20: Joe rolls 1
[2026/01/11 15:28] Sonja Bikergrrl: you successfully climb on it and trample it for 1 point damage
[2026/01/11 15:29] Sonja Bikergrrl: Save vs Death - roll d20, +2 bonus
[2026/01/11 15:29] D20: Joe rolls 5
[2026/01/11 15:29] Sonja Bikergrrl: Failed.
[2026/01/11 15:29] Joe: oops
[2026/01/11 15:29] Sonja Bikergrrl: You start to sink into the fruitcake horror. It appears to be drawing you in.
[2026/01/11 15:30] Joe: no that was sugarplums job
[2026/01/11 15:30] Sonja Bikergrrl: Mecha!
[2026/01/11 15:30] Mecha: Gonna attack with the sword again still hopefully having water in the skin.
[2026/01/11 15:31] D20: Mecha rolls 11
[2026/01/11 15:31] Jassie: oh no, that was supposed to be me!
[2026/01/11 15:31] Sonja Bikergrrl: You hack at air. The air is damaged.
[2026/01/11 15:31] Sonja Bikergrrl: kobolds next!
[2026/01/11 15:31] Mecha: Stupid air.. it knows what it did
[2026/01/11 15:31] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 3
[2026/01/11 15:32] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 3
[2026/01/11 15:32] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 13
[2026/01/11 15:32] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 9
[2026/01/11 15:32] Sonja Bikergrrl: -_-
[2026/01/11 15:32] Sonja Bikergrrl: Kobold Engineer sends out another tin soldier
[2026/01/11 15:32] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 11
[2026/01/11 15:32] Sonja Bikergrrl: It walks into a wall, and scrapes the stone.
[2026/01/11 15:33] Sonja Bikergrrl: Jassie.... you next
[2026/01/11 15:33] Jassie: oh idk, stab with dagger
[2026/01/11 15:34] Sonja Bikergrrl: lol. D20
[2026/01/11 15:34] D20: Jassie rolls 19
[2026/01/11 15:34] Sonja Bikergrrl: Now she's cookin'!
[2026/01/11 15:34] Sonja Bikergrrl: D4 for damage
[2026/01/11 15:35] D4: Jassie rolls 2
[2026/01/11 15:35] Jassie: woo!
[2026/01/11 15:35] Jassie: amazing dmg
[2026/01/11 15:35] Sonja Bikergrrl: you slice it... but you didn't dice it
[2026/01/11 15:35] Sonja Bikergrrl: Sapphire!
[2026/01/11 15:36] Mecha: but did she julienne fry it?
[2026/01/11 15:37] Sonja Bikergrrl: I think she try it
[2026/01/11 15:37] Sapphire: Can i get to the kobold engineer and talk to them?
[2026/01/11 15:37] Sonja Bikergrrl: What do you want to say to him?
[2026/01/11 15:38] Sapphire: convincing him to aim the tin soldiers into the fruitcake horror before it eats us
[2026/01/11 15:39] Sonja Bikergrrl: ...that's what he's been trying to do...
[2026/01/11 15:39] Sapphire: he has?
[2026/01/11 15:39] Sapphire: in that case
[2026/01/11 15:39] Sapphire: better to just magic missile the golem
[2026/01/11 15:39] Sonja Bikergrrl: not very well, admittedly
[2026/01/11 15:40] Sapphire: does MM need a to hit roll?
[2026/01/11 15:40] Sonja Bikergrrl: either don't trust a kobold engineer, or, don't trust ACME brand products, your call
[2026/01/11 15:40] Sonja Bikergrrl: Nope, roll a D4
[2026/01/11 15:40] Sapphire: only 1?
[2026/01/11 15:40] D4: Sapphire rolls 4
[2026/01/11 15:41] Sonja Bikergrrl: you can roll two more if you want, or, we can multiply that by three, as I did for Jassie, but, I prefer to keep my helpful fudges to be plausibly denied
[2026/01/11 15:42] Sonja Bikergrrl: that'll be fifteen damage... at last you have the fruitcake horror "wounded", almost badly
[2026/01/11 15:43] Joe: yay!
[2026/01/11 15:43] Sonja Bikergrrl: It spews out a mass of molasses at Mecha
[2026/01/11 15:43] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 18
[2026/01/11 15:43] Sapphire: arcane knives frly from her spell to dice the cake
[2026/01/11 15:43] Sonja Bikergrrl: /me winces
[2026/01/11 15:43] D10: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 1
[2026/01/11 15:43] Sonja Bikergrrl: ...
[2026/01/11 15:43] Sonja Bikergrrl: Mecha takes 1 point of damage
[2026/01/11 15:43] Mecha: Oh that is disgusting!
[2026/01/11 15:43] Sonja Bikergrrl: Fruitcake regenerates 1 damage
[2026/01/11 15:44] Sonja Bikergrrl: Joe!
[2026/01/11 15:44] Sonja Bikergrrl: indeed Mecha, must be why no one likes fruitcake
[2026/01/11 15:44] Joe: attempting to cut my feet free from the fruitcake and leap aside
[2026/01/11 15:44] Sonja Bikergrrl: oh boy, I forgot that
[2026/01/11 15:44] Sapphire: are you cutting the cake or your leg?
[2026/01/11 15:44] Sonja Bikergrrl: DEX check with disadvantage
[2026/01/11 15:45] Joe: cutting the cake
[2026/01/11 15:45] D20: Joe rolls 20
[2026/01/11 15:45] Sonja Bikergrrl: we're about to find out, Sapphire
[2026/01/11 15:45] Joe: apprently my legs
[2026/01/11 15:45] Sonja Bikergrrl: d4
[2026/01/11 15:45] D4: Joe rolls 2
[2026/01/11 15:46] Sonja Bikergrrl: You slice your legs. The fruitcake horror seems to draw you in quicker.
[2026/01/11 15:46] Sonja Bikergrrl: Also, you hacked yourself for 2 damage
[2026/01/11 15:46] Sapphire: it's tasted blood!
[2026/01/11 15:46] Sonja Bikergrrl: I'm afraid so
[2026/01/11 15:46] Joe: what sort of fruit is it made of ?
[2026/01/11 15:46] Sonja Bikergrrl: Mecha!
[2026/01/11 15:46] Sonja Bikergrrl: That's forbidden knowledge, someone might try to bake one
[2026/01/11 15:47] Sapphire: :()
[2026/01/11 15:47] Mecha: Gonna try another cut of the fruitcake with the kobold blade
[2026/01/11 15:47] Sonja Bikergrrl: d20
[2026/01/11 15:47] D20: Mecha rolls 5
[2026/01/11 15:47] Jassie: (raises hand, I would)
[2026/01/11 15:48] Mecha: There is that air again
[2026/01/11 15:48] Sonja Bikergrrl: Kobolds next, one blows a party streamer.... "KAZOO!"
[2026/01/11 15:48] Sonja Bikergrrl: Three attack
[2026/01/11 15:48] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 13
[2026/01/11 15:48] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 7
[2026/01/11 15:48] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 11
[2026/01/11 15:48] Sonja Bikergrrl: Naa.
[2026/01/11 15:49] Sonja Bikergrrl: Kobold engineer sends another tin soldier out
[2026/01/11 15:49] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 15
[2026/01/11 15:49] Sonja Bikergrrl: The tin soldier marches into the fruitcake horror and slices wildly, narrowly missing Joe
[2026/01/11 15:49] D4: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 1
[2026/01/11 15:49] D4: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 2
[2026/01/11 15:49] Sonja Bikergrrl: 3 damage inflicted
[2026/01/11 15:50] Sonja Bikergrrl: Jassie next!
[2026/01/11 15:50] Jassie: hmmmm
[2026/01/11 15:51] Jassie: how many spell slots do i have?
[2026/01/11 15:51] Sonja Bikergrrl: they're listed on the stats
[2026/01/11 15:51] Jassie: hmm dont see it
[2026/01/11 15:51] Sonja Bikergrrl: whispers: you have...
[2026/01/11 15:51] Sonja Bikergrrl: 1) Armour, AC 6 (until 13 damage)
1) Feather Fall, 5r
1) Spook (1 creature, save vs spells or flee, -2 penalty to save)
2) Mirror Image 15r, 1d4+1 images
2) Tashas' Uncontrolable Laughter (1 creature, see p56)
[2026/01/11 15:51] Jassie: yea thats the spell list
[2026/01/11 15:52] Jassie: but spell slots?
[2026/01/11 15:52] Sonja Bikergrrl: and your memorized spells
[2026/01/11 15:52] Jassie: or is that not how it works in old dnd?
[2026/01/11 15:52] Sapphire: one casting each
[2026/01/11 15:52] Jassie: ah ok
[2026/01/11 15:52] Jassie: ty sapph
[2026/01/11 15:52] Sapphire: we're wizard style, so the slots are pre-commited
[2026/01/11 15:52] Sonja Bikergrrl: I'm not wholly sure what you're asking....
[2026/01/11 15:52] Jassie: yea but 5e wizard is spell slots right
[2026/01/11 15:52] Jassie: same as 4e
[2026/01/11 15:52] Jassie: but nvm
[2026/01/11 15:53] Sonja Bikergrrl: fucked if I know, I stopped at 2E
[2026/01/11 15:53] Jassie: but i'ma cast spook on the fruitcake?
[2026/01/11 15:53] Jassie: make it scared of us?
[2026/01/11 15:53] Jassie: no make it scared of joe lol
[2026/01/11 15:53] Sonja Bikergrrl: go ahead...if you think it'll work
[2026/01/11 15:55] Jassie: i'll try i guess
[2026/01/11 15:55] Joe: wow good thinking
[2026/01/11 15:55] Sonja Bikergrrl: Jassie advances menacingly on the fruitcake horror
[2026/01/11 15:55] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 7
[2026/01/11 15:56] Sonja Bikergrrl: ...
[2026/01/11 15:56] Sonja Bikergrrl: It slowly starts to ooze away, into one of the kitchens, taking Joe with it.
[2026/01/11 15:56] Jassie: damn lol
[2026/01/11 15:57] Sonja Bikergrrl: is it Sapphire next?
[2026/01/11 15:57] Sapphire: She reaches out to try and grab Joe's arm
[2026/01/11 15:58] Sonja Bikergrrl: DEX check, with disadvantage
[2026/01/11 15:59] D20: Sapphire rolls 9
[2026/01/11 15:59] D20: Sapphire rolls 5
[2026/01/11 16:00] Sonja Bikergrrl: okay, you grab hold of Joe, and don't faceplant in the fruitcake
[2026/01/11 16:00] Joe: aw thank you !
[2026/01/11 16:00] Sonja Bikergrrl: Fruitcake targets Sapphire next
[2026/01/11 16:00] D20: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 17
[2026/01/11 16:00] Jassie: niceee
[2026/01/11 16:00] D10: Sonja Bikergrrl rolls 6
[2026/01/11 16:01] Sapphire: armor spell
[2026/01/11 16:01] Sonja Bikergrrl: A mirror image winks out, as a pseudopod slams into her
[2026/01/11 16:01] Sonja Bikergrrl: Joe! Back to you
[2026/01/11 16:02] Joe: I grab Sapphire and pull myself out of the creature, without pulling her into the creature
[2026/01/11 16:02] Sonja Bikergrrl: STR check, roll d20
[2026/01/11 16:02] D20: Joe rolls 20
[2026/01/11 16:03] Sonja Bikergrrl: guess what you do?
[2026/01/11 16:03] Joe: i am so sorry
[2026/01/11 16:03] Sapphire: "Gahk!"
[2026/01/11 16:03] Sapphire: *squish*
[2026/01/11 16:03] Sonja Bikergrrl: if you guessed you pull Sapphire in too, you get to get to second base with the sugar plum fairie later - if you survive.
[2026/01/11 16:03] Sonja Bikergrrl: Mecha!
[2026/01/11 16:05] Mecha: gonna attack, try to cut some space by the two being pulled in so they can try to wiggle out.
[2026/01/11 16:05] Sonja Bikergrrl: d20
[2026/01/11 16:05] D20: Mecha rolls 15
[2026/01/11 16:05] Sonja Bikergrrl: Roll d4
[2026/01/11 16:05] D4: Mecha rolls 3
[2026/01/11 16:06] Sonja Bikergrrl: Molasses, fruit, and whatever else fruitcake is made from spray all over the floor, along with a very sticky Joe and Sapphire. Kobolds cheer and slap Mecha on the back
[2026/01/11 16:06] Sapphire: a molassas-filled cake swim and then a date with the sugarplum... stickyness squared
[2026/01/11 16:06] Joe: hooray!
[2026/01/11 16:07] Sonja Bikergrrl: ...and that's when you hear....
[2026/01/11 16:07] Sonja Bikergrrl: /me pauses for dramatic effect
[2026/01/11 16:07] Sonja Bikergrrl: ...
[2026/01/11 16:07] Sonja Bikergrrl: “MORADIN’S BRAIDED BEARD AND THE TWELVE FORGES OF HELL - WHO IN THE EVER-LOVING, ANVIL-SHATTERING STONEFUCK TURNED OUR STILL INTO A GODS-DAMNED GRENADE?!”
[2026/01/11 16:08] Sonja Bikergrrl: okay.... -now- you're in trouble.
[2026/01/11 16:08] Jassie: run?
[2026/01/11 16:09] Sonja Bikergrrl: where? Dwarves are striding in and looking shocked at the remains of the still. “LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! That was hand-rolled copper, triple-hammered, rune-etched! It took six months! SIX! AND NOW IT’S SHRAPNEL!”
[2026/01/11 16:09] Mecha: I point to the kobolds. "They did it!"
[2026/01/11 16:09] Sonja Bikergrrl: A dwarf glares. Then, quieter — but no less deadly: “Someone’s payin’ fer this. With coin, with labour, or with blood. Preferably in that order.”
[2026/01/11 16:10] Sapphire: "Help! They baked an ooze in their kitchen and it's trying to eat us!"
[2026/01/11 16:10] Sonja Bikergrrl: ...you really need to work on your excuses :P
[2026/01/11 16:10] Joe: I pull Sapphire to her feet and in doing so, layt-on--hands heal her by way of making amends
[2026/01/11 16:10] Jassie: mirror image and sneaks out
[2026/01/11 16:10] Sonja Bikergrrl: A soft tick... tick... tick... echoes through the cavern, sounding out of place among glitter, smashed iron, splattered candied fruits, and the reek of burnt tinsel. Time itself seems to hesitate.
[2026/01/11 16:10] Jassie: LOL
[2026/01/11 16:10] Sonja Bikergrrl: A robed figure steps out of thin air, brushing frost and confetti from his sleeve. “Ah. Good. You’re all alive.”
[2026/01/11 16:11] Mecha: I work to pull Sapphire from the hopefully dead fruitcake. Flinching at every Schlorp sound of it
[2026/01/11 16:11] Sonja Bikergrrl: This would appear to be the chronomage.
[2026/01/11 16:11] Jassie: nah i mirror image so noone knows whos real
[2026/01/11 16:11] Sonja Bikergrrl: The pteranodon lifts its head from the wreckage, eyes unfocused, wings slack, hiccuping faintly. It lets out a wobbling screech and knocks over a keg with its tail. The chronomage stares at it. Long. Silent. “You used FOUR crystals, didn’t you.” He sighs, produces a small, hourglass-shaped bauble, and flicks it between his fingers.
[2026/01/11 16:12] Sapphire: Aren'y we still stuck in the cake?
[2026/01/11 16:12] Sapphire: "Crystals?"
[2026/01/11 16:12] Sonja Bikergrrl: The pteranodon is frozen in a localized time loop — not fully stopped, just repeating the same three seconds: Blink. Hiccup. Sway. The creature remains alive, harmless, and gently embarrassing. “There. It will sober up in approximately... yesterday.” He then shrinks the time-looped pteranodon down to the size of a housecat — temporarily — and tucks it into a padded chronal crate. “We’d better take you back to your proper time.”
[2026/01/11 16:13] Mecha: I speak from this "NEVER USE 4 Crystals! Have you learned nothing? Now I am covered in fruitcake blood! Wait, do fruitcakes have blood?"
[2026/01/11 16:13] Sonja Bikergrrl: it's got Joes' blood, so, yes.
[2026/01/11 16:13] Jassie: mmm molasses i say as well?
[2026/01/11 16:14] Sonja Bikergrrl: The chronomage turns to the remains of the dwarven still. He rolls up his sleeves, walks around the wreckage, snapping fingers. Steam flows backwards into pipes and Exploded fragments leap up and reassemble mid-air. Time rewinds only for the still, not the environment - a precise, respectful application of chronomancy. He taps the final valve manually. “There. No explosion.” The still stands whole again.
[2026/01/11 16:14] Sonja Bikergrrl: One dwarf slowly reaches out and taps the still. “...She’s better than before.” Another sniffs. A third mutters: “Still don’t trust him.”
[2026/01/11 16:15] Sapphire: Bluebell squirms and tries to make her way out of the kitchens
[2026/01/11 16:15] Sonja Bikergrrl: The chronomage finally turns to the party, who are all rather sticky and soaked with molasses. “Thank you for not destroying the timeline.” He pauses, looks at the chaos all around. “...Too badly.” The owl bows. “Hoo. Yuletide saved.”
[2026/01/11 16:16] Sonja Bikergrrl: The owl ruffles its feathers, swivels its head almost all the way around, and peers at the party. A pause. Head tilt. “Hoo. Please remember: when you meet yourselves on the way home later... don’t share the fruitcake. That’s how this started.” It flaps once its' wings. “Hoo. Happy Yuletide. For the second time!”
[2026/01/11 16:16] Joe: "See, we fought bravely to return your still, and now it has been returned. You owe us gold. As agreed." Joe, eternal Paladin of the order of eternal paladins boldly proclaims at the Dwarfs.
[2026/01/11 16:16] Sonja Bikergrrl: And see, for Joe, Yuletide brings pay -and- a date
[2026/01/11 16:16] Jassie: lol, paladin has gotta have cash for his order
[2026/01/11 16:17] Mecha: Yep no fruitcake for ourselves from our.. to our.. Why does everything suddenly taste purple?
[2026/01/11 16:17] Sonja Bikergrrl: I do hope you enjoyed "A Merry Critmas", I'll have all logs up shortly
[2026/01/11 16:17] Sapphire: Bluebelle is thinking she'd probably settle for a hot bath and a bottle of rum, but money is good too
[2026/01/11 16:17] Sonja Bikergrrl: And that just leaves the traditional epilogue wrap-up
[2026/01/11 16:18] Jassie: yayy
[2026/01/11 16:18] Sonja Bikergrrl: As the dwarves leave, you heard them muttering: “I swear that still’s older than it was this morning.” "Aye, and we need to add a temporal safety clause to all future contracts."
[2026/01/11 16:18] Joe: awesomeness!
[2026/01/11 16:18] Sonja Bikergrrl: The kobold king proudly announces to his tribe: “DRAGON FRIEND WENT BACK INTO EGG. VERY POLITE.”
[2026/01/11 16:18] Sonja Bikergrrl: The owl, one last time, as everyone leaves: “Hoo. This conversation has already happened. You laughed more last time.”
[2026/01/11 16:19] Joe: "Something else which should go back into its egg."
[2026/01/11 16:19] Sonja Bikergrrl: ...rood!
[2026/01/11 16:20] Sapphire: The fruitcake any good?
[2026/01/11 16:20] Jassie: u pecked me almost to death... of course i aint laughing as much
[2026/01/11 16:20] Sonja Bikergrrl: so, paws up, who found the insanity entertaining?
[2026/01/11 16:20] Mecha: /me raises paw
[2026/01/11 16:20] Sapphire: *paw*
[2026/01/11 16:20] Sapphire: decently entertaining.
[2026/01/11 16:21] Joe: yuss!
[2026/01/11 16:21] Jassie: fruitcake!